The End of the Holy Month is near…

As the title stated… Ramadhan is near to its end… could not get enough of it.. wished that it will be all year long.. so much to compensate.. so much to learn.. so much to claim back.. so much to pay back for all my sins with so little time.. now i understand why there are sayings that some of us were very happy with the return of the holy month.. and also that some of us were also being sad during the ending… Lailatul Qadar… i wonder how it would be if I was granted with the night which is better than a thousand of months.. I wonder how it feels like to have one… a clue direct from the God… a clue which will show us the path… the eternal path… for the better of eternal life after death…

Death.. been thinking about it much nowadays.. the depart of Tok Dan.. the last of the legends… last of the siblings of my grandfather… Yesterday.. went to Pah Saniah’s place… bukak puasa there… she cooked like she’s having a kenduri… a lot of fried noodles… with bones soup… with the bubur lambuk i got from mesjid penchala… mak aii… have to control myself… as i went for tarawikh prayers later… first time in my life.. i saw the surau was heavenly full… nice… met Cik Lan there.. and 8 rakaat was done before 9.30… truly a nice one indeed…

So much made me thinking during this month.. mostly because of the incident which had happened somewhere in the middle of the month.. the chest pain came back… my life went empty.. well.. quite empty… because… my life statement was not feasible no more… some told me to pray harder to make me forget.. but how if i still felt some sort of suffocation during the prayers… i could not let go of it.. i could not make myself not to think.. i could not forget.. almost every second… my thoughts are all over it.. and again.. I did not see it coming.. a fool i am.. watched the CSI NY last week.. a line from the show resembled what i am going through currently… something like.. “Not angry with you, but myself. Because, i have fallen for you, but now i have to undo it”… How to undo?… Its nothing like a click on the left-pointed arrow button in Microsoft Word… like i said.. so much to compensate.. need to replace my life statement.. need to regain motivational conditions.. need to gain myself back.. if not… the mind will not be there.. the mind will be empty… when its empty… bad thoughts can easily poison me.. death thoughts will be around.. if that happens.. pretty much the effort of repent and the diet initiated earlier this year are a waste.. so help me God…