Recent happenings..

IT has been a long time since my last post.. what should i write now?.. so many things happened to me lately.. so many interesting incidents happened lately.. which one should I start with?.. hmm.. let’s start with the bad but interesting incident first..

Cheat.. one form of corruption which can occur anywhere at anytime at any circumstances.. The boss of my team, has caught us red-handed for corrupting the integrity of the work for the second month of the year 2009.. the whole team but one got busted for this case.. as for me.. two words lingering in my mind during the scolding time.. shit happens.. i even told my boss about it.. nothing else to do eventhough we were given a choice.. and we had to admit the defeat.. more like a fault actually.. well.. it is all because of the emergence of a new group in the facility.. which has taken up all of our work, and left us with.. well.. not nothing.. but much less things to do.. and still have to meet the quota to fit the requirement of monthly performance.. two words of advice.. don’t cheat.. whatever you do in your life.. never cheat.. the One up there would not treat you any good if you cheat in your life.. it is not like a computer game where you can cheat to finish the game earlier.. but it is life as the consequences of it could be harsh up to the extent where you could lose everything.. some people will think that cheating can be considered as a venial sin.. but in the end.. cheating is still cheating.. you don’t get the punishment in your lifetime.. then you will get it after life.. no one can escape it.. once you cheat.. there is no turning back.. not nice at all..

Putrajaya.. the Malaysian hallmark of a well-planned and exquisite architectural government-initiated city.. recently the host for a world class event.. the hot air balloon fiesta.. first time in Malaysia, i think.. participated by a number of foreign countries like Belgium, France, and Japan and more, as well as the host team, some Hot Air Ballon Sdn. Bhd. or something like that.. did not know that our country has the company for that matter.. wonder what they do everyday.. ok.. back to the story.. first time in my life.. hot air balloons were in front of me.. it’s HUGE!.. went for the night glow event.. well… nothing much to be precise.. supposed to be a harmoniacally orchestrated glows to synchronize with the music being played.. but instead.. the participants just blow the thrusters suka-suka-hati except for a couple of them.. Nothing much then.. second day.. went there with Farid.. and both of us were lucky.. lucky indeed for being on time.. as some of us.. people with cameras are allowed to get into the launch site, while others were barred with the thin steel fence.. quite a privillege as it is the first to see how they inflate the balloon up close and personal.. from the ground to the sky.. credits to the magnificent minds whom exploits the laws of physics.. nice… and that was it.. and thanks to Farid’s family for treating me dinner at Tanjung Harapan.. nice bunch of family.. all look so lively and they are.. different from mine..

A lot more happened during the month of march.. but.. for the time being… this will make do..

Causality..

It has been a long time since my last update…

Recently.. someone whom i know of but never interacted before came to me.. well… through the Net of course.. somehow that particular person seems to be very mad at me.. started to curse that the hell is the place where i should be.. from my point of view.. there is an explanation of the steps the particular person took towards me.. and there is also an explanation for what I did all this while..

Causality… we are all the victims of it… we are all bound to the laws of nature… it is the matter of the equation of action and reaction.. cause and effect… Cause could not controlled, but the effect is on the other hand, can be decided by us.. it will show how we handle the things that happened in our lives.. how we cope with the series of unwanted events.. everyone has their own way.. just like a fingerprint or retinal characteristics of the human eyes.. everyone is unique.. everyone is different from the others.. even twins can be different from one and another..

As for the reactions i took towards a particular occurence that happened to me last year.. it is not the first time i did it.. it is not the first time i have had it.. to be in the state where you were given a hopeless hope.. this is the cause in my case.. when you have hoping the situation will be like how you wanted it to be, with your life.. and in the end.. it was a total hopeless at all… what would you do?.. There is one thing i can only do.. and would only do.. i fled.. i run away.. far away to make myself forget.. to make myself not to think.. this is the effect in the equation of causality… and I was quite happy with the outcome though someone told me that it was the way of the cowards.. is it not?.. nice one indeed.. although other people will suffer because of it.. but there are level of threshold that i am prepared to accept..

As for the particular person whom cursed me to hell.. the cause could be because of the reactions that I took as above.. It was quite funny and interesting when there is a person whom you have never talk with or interacted with.. cursed you like hell in the first conversation.. hahaa… is that how you handle things?.. is that how you perceive things?.. people tend to show their ugly side when they are angry… and I know of my ugly side.. it is ugly as hell.. TheDeadPerson is my ugly side.. where destruction and death in the darkness is inevitable.. I managed to keep myself from it.. thanks to the support given by a friend who was with me since the beginning.. and still now.. well.. if this is how it meant to be… so be it.. so help me God..

The tool of Destruction…

Went to CIMBank last Thursday with a great friend of mine, the notorious Faizal.. well.. both of us signed up to have a leverage of our lives.. or it can turn out to be the key to the series of catastrophic events of our lives in the future.. yes.. we have applied to have the tool of destruction… we got ourselves, the credit card.. hmm…

with the tool of destruction at hand.. poisonous intentions will be lingering all over me.. the word ’swipe’ or ‘cash out’ can be heard almost every day.. hmm… the injections of intentions to upgrade my stuff is all around me.. to get a new and better camera @ DSLR… to get a fridge to aclaim the title of grand chef.. to get a new set of wheels to take the car to the next level.. to get a new console to meet the requirements of the performance-thirsty games being offered presently… so much to consider.. dammit..

In the first place, I want to take advantage on the fuel rebate offered from the card.. first choice is the bank with a sign of the tiger… but the requirement is quite high… then.. one of the immediate superiors came to me to offer the service of the card.. nice… now… i got two of them.. not just two cards.. but two gold cards instead.. nice…

Since I’m staying alone for the time being.. the urge to complete my residence with stuffs becoming imminent.. Spoke to Emil just about buying a secondhand fridge.. he offered me his.. two door fridge with a little rust on the door for 300 bucks.. is it worth it?.. two doors, man.. i can see myself piling up the freezer compartment with the tilapias and squids.. huhuhu…. most probably i will take it.. and now have to consider the transportation method.. hmm..

As for the cards… first.. i will use it to reload my car tank with gasoline.. that’s for the time being.. hopefully.. the mind will not be asphyxiated by the torturous thoughts of craving for more that i should have.. so help me God…

Kill.. Kill.. Kill.. and Kill.. Kill more!..

Would it be good for me if I can kill everyone without a second thought?.. Actually.. I’m into Max Payne now.. the Max Payne game.. yes it’s old skool, but I just realized about the mod whom made it available by the hardcore fans through the Internet.. Good deed indeed..

And again.. the question being asked previously.. as in the game.. almost everything that move, can be shot.. everyone knows that.. but it would feel different if your mind is really into it.. might as well… you can imagine yourself killing everyone around you… shoot until the arm is separated from the body.. shoot until the head is flying across the room.. shoot until you can hear the sound like the cow being slaughtered during Raya Haji.. some gore there.. hence the realism..

Someone is trying to contact me the other day.. someone whom i have not spoken with for quite a while already.. am i avoiding that person?.. am i running away from her?… the fact that i still have the same feeling like the way i did before.. might be the reason why i am outcasting myself.. I wonder how it would be if i were to interact with her now..  uncertain about it.. the mission is unclear for the time being.. thus, the sceptism of me being a person like before will be on the highest bar.. I’m not like before, i think.. things are different now, i think so… and if the time comes.. so be it..

I have sensed a feeling which is similar to what i had few years back.. the feel of wrath.. the feel of agony.. the torturous feeling of disfiguring a human being.. the urgency to make people hurt.. the call to have a bloodbath.. all came back.. must refrain it before the mind got poisoned until the state where there is no turning back.. hmm.. I am getting farther from Him.. The big M is here.. need to regain myself.. so help me God…

Insignificant Fools!..

it has been a while since my last update.. nothing much to say.. nothing much to write.. since my life was quite empty.. and still now..

Regarding the title above.. more or less it’s the frequently used phrase by me.. taken from the Disney’s classic animation, The Little Mermaid.. less hampeh.. less motherfucker.. but more syllables to pronounce with..

As for now.. I’m starting to join with another group from the office.. the old clique has scattered around.. not much unity i guess.. Last week.. went to Chamang… it was like 7 years since i went to a waterfall.. it was nice.. but.. that place reminded me of somebody.. not because i went down here with that particular person previously.. but.. i saw the picture of that somebody last time at the same place.. hmm.. fuck it off.. let it go… more or less.. i am the insignificant fool..

I’m losing myself.. I’m getting farther from Him.. I gained 10 kilos after raya.. need to reshift the course.. so help me God…

The End of the Holy Month is near…

As the title stated… Ramadhan is near to its end… could not get enough of it.. wished that it will be all year long.. so much to compensate.. so much to learn.. so much to claim back.. so much to pay back for all my sins with so little time.. now i understand why there are sayings that some of us were very happy with the return of the holy month.. and also that some of us were also being sad during the ending… Lailatul Qadar… i wonder how it would be if I was granted with the night which is better than a thousand of months.. I wonder how it feels like to have one… a clue direct from the God… a clue which will show us the path… the eternal path… for the better of eternal life after death…

Death.. been thinking about it much nowadays.. the depart of Tok Dan.. the last of the legends… last of the siblings of my grandfather… Yesterday.. went to Pah Saniah’s place… bukak puasa there… she cooked like she’s having a kenduri… a lot of fried noodles… with bones soup… with the bubur lambuk i got from mesjid penchala… mak aii… have to control myself… as i went for tarawikh prayers later… first time in my life.. i saw the surau was heavenly full… nice… met Cik Lan there.. and 8 rakaat was done before 9.30… truly a nice one indeed…

So much made me thinking during this month.. mostly because of the incident which had happened somewhere in the middle of the month.. the chest pain came back… my life went empty.. well.. quite empty… because… my life statement was not feasible no more… some told me to pray harder to make me forget.. but how if i still felt some sort of suffocation during the prayers… i could not let go of it.. i could not make myself not to think.. i could not forget.. almost every second… my thoughts are all over it.. and again.. I did not see it coming.. a fool i am.. watched the CSI NY last week.. a line from the show resembled what i am going through currently… something like.. “Not angry with you, but myself. Because, i have fallen for you, but now i have to undo it”… How to undo?… Its nothing like a click on the left-pointed arrow button in Microsoft Word… like i said.. so much to compensate.. need to replace my life statement.. need to regain motivational conditions.. need to gain myself back.. if not… the mind will not be there.. the mind will be empty… when its empty… bad thoughts can easily poison me.. death thoughts will be around.. if that happens.. pretty much the effort of repent and the diet initiated earlier this year are a waste.. so help me God…

More likely, what I feel now…

bumped into the lyric of puff daddy.. victory… and kinda like that ending lyrics…

” Aiyyo, can you hear me out there?
Aiyyo turn me up, nobody can hear me out there
Thats good, its all fucked up now
Yall know its all fucked up now right?
What the fuck ima do now?
What ima do now?
Can yall hear me out there?
Can yall hear me out there?

Its all fucked up now
What ima do now, huh?
What ima do now
Its all fucked up now ”

Nothing much to say now.. so help me God…

Context of Friendship, from my point of view…

Friend… what is, a friend?.. friend is the one you spoke to when you are apart of your family… friend is the one you hang out with when you don’t have anyone to hang out with.. a good friend is the one when you can speak of things you could not speak to others… close friends are the ones whom you said to yourself that you would do anything to help or to retain them.. best friend are the one that you shared most of time of your life with.. but.. i don’t have the luxury of having a best friend… could not afford to…

Well… frankly.. most of the time in my life.. i was surrounded by my friends.. i talk more to my friends than my family.. i spend more time with my friends than my family.. which means… most of my friends… i take them as the family members of mine as well.. in other words… i would do almost anything for my friends…

Complementary friendship… the term used when one could not live normally without another person..
i’ve seen this one.. one went through hell when the other one is gone… but… the strength.. all lies within the heart.. within the mind… within the soul… because… it seems like its irreplaceable..

Human… could forget the nice things in the life.. after the real bad things happened.. but human also… could not forget the real nice things.. after the little bad things happened… its because of how powerful the action was.. its because of how the mind perceived the positivity of the occurrence and surroundings… its because of how the soul absorb the elements lingering around the life… figuratively speaking…

As for me.. i could not simply forget the things that happened in my life… and i for sure could not forget… the ones who helped me a lot to deal with my petty life… what you all did… will be taken into the context… as i viewed it as a phase of my life… which means.. it will affect my life… it will be a part of my life.. it will be seen when you look at me… because… i am the reflection of the things that happened.. to a person named… Muhammad Shahir Emi bin Ramli… i will not forget… i am not willing to let go… the ones i treasured most…

Hell, or Heavenly..

I did not see it coming… i really didn’t.. i think i fainted last night… massive chest pain… i could hear my blooding flowing vastly through my veins.. i could hear my heavy breath, breathing like a pig… i thought i was having a heart attack.. i thought i was going to die.. i think that’s why my system halted and i passed out..

Today.. the chest pain is reduced but still there.. my eyes sores like hell.. but whatever it is.. its all about last night… it has been years since last night’s incident.. years it is.. what happened last night?… hmm.. i have released myself.. i have made my confession… damn its hard as hell.. the fact of how i feel since last year… and still until now.. could not be hidden no more.. it has been revealed to the particular person… so be it…

Now… not really sure what to do… but still.. one thing for sure.. i will do the same i did all the while.. one thing which can put me into a heavenly state.. i will.. maintain the happiness in every way i can, hopefully.. and hopefully also.. He’s with me…