I just downloaded a voice recognition software, installed it into my PC and now I’m using Avaya headset to type in this entry… quite hard because of the slang issue… not sure whether I am using British English or Malaysian English which is also known as Manglish..

Raya 2009 has passed, Deepavali has passed, and now just prepare for weddings that will be held before the new year… speaking of raya, a good friend of mine got married right after raya, and because of that event, I met a person who was and still the one I look up high since the day I met her… it has been a long time since our last meeting, I think it was about two years ago, on her birthday eve… I feel very grateful, really happy, really astonished with her appearance since I was really longing to see her again…she does not changed at all, despite of what she said previously… two years passed and she seems did not age at all… still beautiful and graceful as the way I remembered her… who is she? I don’t know as I don’t have the correct and precise answer for the question… I feel very close to her but I think it is only in my mind… enough of that…

now, I am still under training for HSBB shit… the future seems to be quite blurred by the uncertainty of the path for us to pursue in the near time… not to sure whether the training provided ever since is really helping in order to perform in the middle of November this year… felt like something is wrong somewhere, but don’t know where to point to… but it is quite okay because the food is provided daily, from morning to the afternoon… but one thing I don’t like is to drive early in the morning through the traffic jams in order to get to the training facility… but what to do, I am getting paid to drive there… quite nice… like Faizal said, he is going to miss the free meal provided during the training… and I don’t think he is not alone… I’ll pretty much feel the same way to…

not too sure of the future for the time being… but one thing I hope that life would be better despite of the uncertainty… I have been living alone for a year already… some people say that I am outcasting myself… quite like the life of a hermit… no matter what they say, I feel quite in peace with my life now although some significant others are begging to differ… so help me God…

Previous trip to Pangkor.. went with my old school mates.. this coming event.. I will be there along with my office colleagues.. mostly from the premier and expert team.. as far as i think i know.. this group has never gone to any field trip or outing or whatsoever.. this should be the first time for the team.. and could be the last… as most of us will be dispersed to be absorbed to other projects or departments in the near future..

There will be two groups : one will be arriving at Pangkor on this Friday.. which includes me.. and another will arrive on this Saturday.. hence i have been mocking around in the office that i will be swimming around in the sea this Friday while some will still be in the office working on cases without their minds… muahahah.. it gonna be good.. but just now i called my sister.. and she informed that it was raining quite frequently in Ipoh… it rained this morning and again at around 6 today.. whatever it is.. it will also be a pleasurable moment to spend the time sleeping in the resort while we are in Pangkor, if it happen to rain..

After all the one month plan conjured by Yob aka Ashahrun.. this weekend would be the moment of truth.. the first six to arrive on this Friday would be En. Faizal, Haja, Aie, Rosma, Anis and me.. the rest.. Yob and Su and Zidan, Roslee and family (it is only Kamsiah by the way), Abang Nwar with his family (he’s bringing along his sister-in-law, nice!), Farid, Nithiyan and last but not least.. Mr. Lawrence.. yes, Lawrence is coming.. nice!… hopefully everything will be fine this weekend.. let the weather be nice to have an outdoor activity.. let the timing be all more than perfect.. let the food be the most succulent one.. let the trip itself.. be the most enjoyable and the most memorable of all.. more like.. a farewell trip.. so help us God…

Cheat.. one form of corruption which can occur anywhere at anytime at any circumstances.. The boss of my team, has caught us red-handed for corrupting the integrity of the work for the second month of the year 2009.. the whole team but one got busted for this case.. as for me.. two words lingering in my mind during the scolding time.. shit happens.. i even told my boss about it.. nothing else to do eventhough we were given a choice.. and we had to admit the defeat.. more like a fault actually.. well.. it is all because of the emergence of a new group in the facility.. which has taken up all of our work, and left us with.. well.. not nothing.. but much less things to do.. and still have to meet the quota to fit the requirement of monthly performance.. two words of advice.. don’t cheat.. whatever you do in your life.. never cheat.. the One up there would not treat you any good if you cheat in your life.. it is not like a computer game where you can cheat to finish the game earlier.. but it is life as the consequences of it could be harsh up to the extent where you could lose everything.. some people will think that cheating can be considered as a venial sin.. but in the end.. cheating is still cheating.. you don’t get the punishment in your lifetime.. then you will get it after life.. no one can escape it.. once you cheat.. there is no turning back.. not nice at all..

Putrajaya.. the Malaysian hallmark of a well-planned and exquisite architectural government-initiated city.. recently the host for a world class event.. the hot air balloon fiesta.. first time in Malaysia, i think.. participated by a number of foreign countries like Belgium, France, and Japan and more, as well as the host team, some Hot Air Ballon Sdn. Bhd. or something like that.. did not know that our country has the company for that matter.. wonder what they do everyday.. ok.. back to the story.. first time in my life.. hot air balloons were in front of me.. it’s HUGE!.. went for the night glow event.. well… nothing much to be precise.. supposed to be a harmoniacally orchestrated glows to synchronize with the music being played.. but instead.. the participants just blow the thrusters suka-suka-hati except for a couple of them.. Nothing much then.. second day.. went there with Farid.. and both of us were lucky.. lucky indeed for being on time.. as some of us.. people with cameras are allowed to get into the launch site, while others were barred with the thin steel fence.. quite a privillege as it is the first to see how they inflate the balloon up close and personal.. from the ground to the sky.. credits to the magnificent minds whom exploits the laws of physics.. nice… and that was it.. and thanks to Farid’s family for treating me dinner at Tanjung Harapan.. nice bunch of family.. all look so lively and they are.. different from mine..

A lot more happened during the month of march.. but.. for the time being… this will make do..

Recently.. someone whom i know of but never interacted before came to me.. well… through the Net of course.. somehow that particular person seems to be very mad at me.. started to curse that the hell is the place where i should be.. from my point of view.. there is an explanation of the steps the particular person took towards me.. and there is also an explanation for what I did all this while..

Causality… we are all the victims of it… we are all bound to the laws of nature… it is the matter of the equation of action and reaction.. cause and effect… Cause could not controlled, but the effect is on the other hand, can be decided by us.. it will show how we handle the things that happened in our lives.. how we cope with the series of unwanted events.. everyone has their own way.. just like a fingerprint or retinal characteristics of the human eyes.. everyone is unique.. everyone is different from the others.. even twins can be different from one and another..

As for the reactions i took towards a particular occurence that happened to me last year.. it is not the first time i did it.. it is not the first time i have had it.. to be in the state where you were given a hopeless hope.. this is the cause in my case.. when you have hoping the situation will be like how you wanted it to be, with your life.. and in the end.. it was a total hopeless at all… what would you do?.. There is one thing i can only do.. and would only do.. i fled.. i run away.. far away to make myself forget.. to make myself not to think.. this is the effect in the equation of causality… and I was quite happy with the outcome though someone told me that it was the way of the cowards.. is it not?.. nice one indeed.. although other people will suffer because of it.. but there are level of threshold that i am prepared to accept..

As for the particular person whom cursed me to hell.. the cause could be because of the reactions that I took as above.. It was quite funny and interesting when there is a person whom you have never talk with or interacted with.. cursed you like hell in the first conversation.. hahaa… is that how you handle things?.. is that how you perceive things?.. people tend to show their ugly side when they are angry… and I know of my ugly side.. it is ugly as hell.. TheDeadPerson is my ugly side.. where destruction and death in the darkness is inevitable.. I managed to keep myself from it.. thanks to the support given by a friend who was with me since the beginning.. and still now.. well.. if this is how it meant to be… so be it.. so help me God..

with the tool of destruction at hand.. poisonous intentions will be lingering all over me.. the word ‘swipe’ or ‘cash out’ can be heard almost every day.. hmm… the injections of intentions to upgrade my stuff is all around me.. to get a new and better camera @ DSLR… to get a fridge to aclaim the title of grand chef.. to get a new set of wheels to take the car to the next level.. to get a new console to meet the requirements of the performance-thirsty games being offered presently… so much to consider.. dammit..

In the first place, I want to take advantage on the fuel rebate offered from the card.. first choice is the bank with a sign of the tiger… but the requirement is quite high… then.. one of the immediate superiors came to me to offer the service of the card.. nice… now… i got two of them.. not just two cards.. but two gold cards instead.. nice…

Since I’m staying alone for the time being.. the urge to complete my residence with stuffs becoming imminent.. Spoke to Emil just about buying a secondhand fridge.. he offered me his.. two door fridge with a little rust on the door for 300 bucks.. is it worth it?.. two doors, man.. i can see myself piling up the freezer compartment with the tilapias and squids.. huhuhu…. most probably i will take it.. and now have to consider the transportation method.. hmm..

As for the cards… first.. i will use it to reload my car tank with gasoline.. that’s for the time being.. hopefully.. the mind will not be asphyxiated by the torturous thoughts of craving for more that i should have.. so help me God…

And again.. the question being asked previously.. as in the game.. almost everything that move, can be shot.. everyone knows that.. but it would feel different if your mind is really into it.. might as well… you can imagine yourself killing everyone around you… shoot until the arm is separated from the body.. shoot until the head is flying across the room.. shoot until you can hear the sound like the cow being slaughtered during Raya Haji.. some gore there.. hence the realism..

Someone is trying to contact me the other day.. someone whom i have not spoken with for quite a while already.. am i avoiding that person?.. am i running away from her?… the fact that i still have the same feeling like the way i did before.. might be the reason why i am outcasting myself.. I wonder how it would be if i were to interact with her now..  uncertain about it.. the mission is unclear for the time being.. thus, the sceptism of me being a person like before will be on the highest bar.. I’m not like before, i think.. things are different now, i think so… and if the time comes.. so be it..

I have sensed a feeling which is similar to what i had few years back.. the feel of wrath.. the feel of agony.. the torturous feeling of disfiguring a human being.. the urgency to make people hurt.. the call to have a bloodbath.. all came back.. must refrain it before the mind got poisoned until the state where there is no turning back.. hmm.. I am getting farther from Him.. The big M is here.. need to regain myself.. so help me God…

Regarding the title above.. more or less it’s the frequently used phrase by me.. taken from the Disney’s classic animation, The Little Mermaid.. less hampeh.. less motherfucker.. but more syllables to pronounce with..

As for now.. I’m starting to join with another group from the office.. the old clique has scattered around.. not much unity i guess.. Last week.. went to Chamang… it was like 7 years since i went to a waterfall.. it was nice.. but.. that place reminded me of somebody.. not because i went down here with that particular person previously.. but.. i saw the picture of that somebody last time at the same place.. hmm.. fuck it off.. let it go… more or less.. i am the insignificant fool..

I’m losing myself.. I’m getting farther from Him.. I gained 10 kilos after raya.. need to reshift the course.. so help me God…

Death.. been thinking about it much nowadays.. the depart of Tok Dan.. the last of the legends… last of the siblings of my grandfather… Yesterday.. went to Pah Saniah’s place… bukak puasa there… she cooked like she’s having a kenduri… a lot of fried noodles… with bones soup… with the bubur lambuk i got from mesjid penchala… mak aii… have to control myself… as i went for tarawikh prayers later… first time in my life.. i saw the surau was heavenly full… nice… met Cik Lan there.. and 8 rakaat was done before 9.30… truly a nice one indeed…

So much made me thinking during this month.. mostly because of the incident which had happened somewhere in the middle of the month.. the chest pain came back… my life went empty.. well.. quite empty… because… my life statement was not feasible no more… some told me to pray harder to make me forget.. but how if i still felt some sort of suffocation during the prayers… i could not let go of it.. i could not make myself not to think.. i could not forget.. almost every second… my thoughts are all over it.. and again.. I did not see it coming.. a fool i am.. watched the CSI NY last week.. a line from the show resembled what i am going through currently… something like.. “Not angry with you, but myself. Because, i have fallen for you, but now i have to undo it”… How to undo?… Its nothing like a click on the left-pointed arrow button in Microsoft Word… like i said.. so much to compensate.. need to replace my life statement.. need to regain motivational conditions.. need to gain myself back.. if not… the mind will not be there.. the mind will be empty… when its empty… bad thoughts can easily poison me.. death thoughts will be around.. if that happens.. pretty much the effort of repent and the diet initiated earlier this year are a waste.. so help me God…

” Aiyyo, can you hear me out there?
Aiyyo turn me up, nobody can hear me out there
Thats good, its all fucked up now
Yall know its all fucked up now right?
What the fuck ima do now?
What ima do now?
Can yall hear me out there?
Can yall hear me out there?

Its all fucked up now
What ima do now, huh?
What ima do now
Its all fucked up now ”

Nothing much to say now.. so help me God…

Ramadhan is back.. it feels like it was yesterday that i have the berbuka puasa at KPV.. could not believe that a year passed by.. so fast the time flies.. which made azurin’s quote is correct… ‘Time is Money’… this year.. the buka puasa for me will be mostly at Taman Tun.. as for last year.. my daily menu for buka puasa was the Roti Jon.. this year.. Ayam Percik!… nice one indeed.. now being sold for RM5 for a quarter bird.. some people said it was pricey.. but for me.. still fine compared to the Tandoori chicken from Mosin, which cost me 5.50 instead… and… the food provided by VADS is quite better compared to last year… but seems like it was degrading at a constant rate in daily basis.. hmm.. at least there is something instead of nothing..

With Ramadhan, comes also the event of Tarawikh prayers… and.. just went to one just now.. actually… it was my first after two years of foolishness.. felt kinda awkward with the citings and chantings by everyone there.. and i managed to complete 8 rakaat.. one thing i’m quite disagree with the imam just now.. the citings of surah after Fatihah was too long.. when it’s too long… i will lose my concentration.. started to think about the reunion this Sunday.. started to think about Mobwars.. started to think of something else instead of feeling the littleness of the human from the eye of the God.. but.. that was it.. will look further to go for more next time… as i work in the afternoon shift which made me unavailable to attend like normal.. so be it..

About the Australian Team’s fireworks.. believe me.. it was better than last year’s.. it was better than all the teams participated in MIFC 2008, i supposed… picked a new spot recommended by old fren, En. Razak.. and it was quite fine actually.. and.. even i used f12.. my camera still burn the pictures.. hmm… and below is a couple of pictures which made it to the top… and that was it for MIFC, 2008 edition.. nice indeed…

As for the fireworks intended for Merdeka celebration.. i went to Block E with Faiz, little brother of Farid.. felt something was wrong.. and when the clock turned 12.. the fireworks started.. and my intuition was correct.. it was a disaster.. a new buliding being built between the Curve and Flora.. and the fireworks was behind to building.. dammit.. some more.. the fireworks lasted for around merely 5 minutes… hampeh.. and that was it.. the last of the fireworks for the year of 2008.. so be it.. and now.. to take advantage of the Ramadhan.. i want to make it better than the last years… so help me God..